Don't Mind My Manners

"It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners. But drowning would help." -Mark Twain

We are enjoying National Tom Sawyer Days here on the banks of the mighty Mississippi River.  Once a year the internationally famous boyhood home of Sam Clemens, aka Mark Twain, celebrates the July 4 weekend with an old-fashioned, rip-roaring festival.

The Hannibal-Cannibal Walk Run was off and running early this morning with a boom.  Runners filled the streets and watchers filled the sidewalks.  Over the next two days we will have frog jumping, fence painting, carnival rides, a generous portion of fair food, and, of course, the parade and fireworks on Monday.  Eager citizens descend on the historic district featuring lots of attractions and very few parking spots.  Every nook and cranny of downtown is filled with food carts and carnival rides.  The whole front of my theater is blocked with food carts and pickup trucks. 

National Tom Sawyer Days is an amazing display of human nature.  Like Tom Sawyer in the book, many visitors leave their manners at home.  Since many of our usual tourist crowd stay away during the weekend, our audience always changes.  Yesterday as I walked into the theater getting ready for my show, someone shouted "You're the fake Mark Twain."  I was shocked.  Of course, I am an actor playing a part.  I know and everyone knows that I am not Mark Twain, but most of my guests keep those comments to themselves.  It is also the only time of the year we always have people enter the theater, ask about ticket prices, and leave in a huff.  We try to make sure they understand we are not the Twain Penny Arcade.

Yesterday, one of my American flags made in China and shipped halfway across the world for display on my old theater was stolen.  It is a little like stealing a Gideon Bible from a Motel 6.  Stealing an American flag on Main Street in Hannibal, Missouri, is just bad manners.  What is Main Street coming to?  Don't worry I'm a cynic.  I always keep an extra flag or two on hand during the July 4 festivities.  This is not my first Tom Sawyer rodeo.

Perhaps you are thinking my manners might be in danger.  Don't worry my manners are safe.  When a man offended me today, I picked up a brick and hit him on the head.  Not really, that was on the inside.  I only hit him in my mind.  On the outside I demonstrated restraint and civility.  On the inside I seethed.  On the outside I found a spot to cool off.  It was air-conditioned.  Now that I have calmed down, I can see that the brick was perhaps wrong.  Perhaps, my manners are improving.  I hope so.